I am HER... Read online

  "Stop thinking. You feel perfect against my body. Now, kiss me."

  Leaning into Z's mouth, I kiss him tentatively. He is barely moving, but he feels so warm against me. Kissing is nice. I haven't really kissed in so many years, since I was maybe a late teen, and with only one boy. Marcus thinks kissing is ‘gross and unnecessary’. Marcus only gives quick lip brushes on my forehead most times.

  Z's lips are softer than I remembered, and his chin and cheeks are a little more course. Stubble, I guess. It’s not totally unpleasant. Marcus never had stubble. Ever. He was so anal about shaving. He took shaving kits with him everywhere. It was... Oh Shit! I flinch. Z’s staring at me and we're no longer kissing.

  "Are you back, Sweetheart? You know, I can recognize your emotional and mental retreats now. I know when I've lost you. Is kissing me really so boring?" Ha! This time I can see his smile-voice. He's teasing me. Oh, yeah...?

  "Well, it's not MY fault your kisses are so boring?" Ha! I can tease, too.

  "Really...?" He asks with a grin. And suddenly he twists us and I’m under him. His body is right between my legs, holding me down. Before I even have time to panic, he’s kissing me... really kissing me. Ravaging my mouth, I barely move my lips because I don't know how to keep up with him... And then I am. My lips start battling with his until I'm nearly breathless. When his tongue slides into my mouth, I hear myself moan.

  Z is awesome! Z's lips are awesome. This is awesome. I can barely breathe, but not from panic. This time I am breathless from... a kiss.

  Pulling away, Z smirks and asks, "Are you alright, Sweetheart? You're looking and sounding a little out of breath." Uh huh. But I feel a giggle surfacing, and it keeps pulling at me until I burst out laughing.

  "Yes. Yes, I'm fine. That was, however, my first kiss in over ten years. So, I may have to work-out a little. I wouldn't want you to confuse a panic-attack, with my pleasure." Oh no! Did I just say pleasure? Pleasure? I'm blushing furiously, trying to turn my head from him, but Z holds my face still in his hands, watching me.

  "It's okay to say the word pleasure. I like to hear that particular word coming from your mouth. It's a turn on, actually." Oh.

  "Um... It sounds kind of dirty or something. I don't really like it," I blush.

  "That's okay. I'm hoping you will get very comfortable with the word pleasure, maybe even enjoy it. Shall I continue kissing you?" Hell, yeah!

  "If you want to..."

  "Oh, I want to," he growls.

  Taking my lips once again, Z moves one hand slowly down my chest to my breast. Cupping me gently, I feel his thumb moving back and forth over my nipple below my cami. It's not entirely unpleasant. Z doesn't just grab me hard, squeezing over and over like Marcus does. Actually, Z doesn't really do anything like Marcus does.

  "Marcus usually hurts me right there. He just grabs and squeezes my breasts until I'm bruised... sometimes..." Shut up! What the HELL are you doing?

  "Marcus is a fucking prick. Breasts are meant to be fondled a little, cupped and held gently. Nipples are meant to experience pleasure. They seek attention and beg for pleasure. Can you feel my thumb? Does it feel good?"

  "Um, yes, kind of. I don't think I'm very sensitive there."

  "Really? Let's see..." How? OH!

  Lowering his head, he takes my nipple into his mouth. Z's mouth is warm and soft on my nipple. His tongue flicks at it, and when he starts sucking, I actually jump.

  Oh, I feel that. That feels very good. I can feel a tugging in my stomach or my uterus or somewhere inside me- I don’t know where. It feels weird because it's all over my body somehow too.

  "Feel good?" He murmurs around my nipple.

  "Yes..." Was that me? I sounded all breathless and moany.

  Moving his mouth to my other nipple, Z does the same tongue flicking, sucking thing. With his thumb he continues moving back and forth over my other sensitive nipple. Working both at the same time, I feel all excited, or turned on, I guess. Weird.

  "Good?" He asks while continue to flick and suck.

  "Yes."

  "Shall I continue a little further then?"

  "Yes, please..." Again with the voice.

  Slowly, Z moves down my body, as he lifts my cami up over my breasts to my neck. I think he's being cautious, kind of non-threatening. I appreciate the gesture.

  Placing little kisses, ah, and little biting nips on my stomach, Z continues his path down my body. Again, this feels good. I'm not freaking out. I'm a little detached though, trying to understand what he's doing, and how he's doing it, and…

  "Stop thinking. Lie back. Close your eyes, and feel. I'm just going to remove your pants, very slowly so I don't hurt your spine." Now, I'm uncomfortable. My whole body freezes in place. My pants? NO!

  "Um, I don't want you to see me down there. I think I'm kind of ugly. I have some m-marks..." Shut up! Shut the hell up!

  "I've seen you naked before, Sweetheart. You were beautiful. A natural strawberry-blonde... very rare I'll have you know." Is he teasing me?

  "Well, we were in the dark before, and this time there is too much light. And last time you were under my skirt, and this time you will see everything...." God, I sound so whiney.

  "Would you like the light turned off?"

  "Yes!" Thank god!

  "Okay. But I want you to know, it's only for you- Not for me. I love your body, and I look forward to seeing all of it... when you're comfortable."

  Leaning past me, Z turns off the bedside lamp, and then kneels between my legs. Slowly pulling my yoga pants down my body, he seems so serious and intense; it's kind of funny actually. God, he's just pulling my pants off. Marcus always ripped them down, quickly. Actually, Marcus did everything quickly.

  Reaching for my cami, Z pulls it up and over my head slowly as well. My back hurt a little that time. Shit. I'm totally naked. I know it's almost completely dark, but now I see that the bedside clock is giving a slight red glow to the room. I can still see him, which means, he can still see me. Maybe I should turn the clock around. I HATE this.

  "Stop, Sweetheart. I can barely see your body, and though you’re freaking out a little, I wish I could see your body clearly. You are so beautiful, and it bothers me very much that your husband never took the time to appreciate you or your body. You have soft curves, and gorgeous skin... all smooth and pale, and creamy. I love it. I wish you would love it as well." Very unlikely. "I'm just going to touch you a little, okay?"

  "Okay…" I breathe.

  Z slowly trails his fingers around my vagina. Ew, still a gross word. He’s very slow and gentle, and it doesn't feel gross when he touches me. He doesn't thrust his fingers inside me, but rather, trails around the entrance, opening me up, touching me everywhere. When his fingers move to the bottom of my opening, I know exactly when he feels the scar tissue. Jumping, I try to close my legs.

  "What happened here?"

  "Ummm..." What do I say?

  "Sweetheart, why are you scarred here? I felt it earlier but I didn't want to ask you then. Tell me."

  "Marcus, ah, hurt me a little... By a mistake!"

  "By a mistake? Really?" No, not really.

  "Um, he kind of entered me quickly, and I wasn't ready, and I was kind of torn..." Shit! Did Z just growl again? "... a little down there..." I finish quietly.

  "How many times did that happen?"

  "Just a couple. I mean sometimes I was bleeding, but I only had stitches a couple times..."

  "STITCHES?!" Shit.

  Z is all angry and intense. I don't like hearing his clipped voice. Is he mad at me? As I try to pull my legs back together, Z’s hands and thighs hold them firmly open. I’m going to die of embarrassment soon. Please, just let me close my legs and get dressed.

  "I'm sorry. It's nothing. Please don't be mad at me," I beg.

  "It's nothing? Nothing? It's very much something. What a FUCKING asshole! When did he do this to you? You're fucking stitched from your pussy to your anus." Flinch. "He did more than tear you slightly! WHEN?
!"

  "Ah, I don't know. The first few times he had sex with me, but then he didn't like it with me, so he only did it every 3 or 4 weeks. But then I wasn't ready again, so it really hurt, and sometimes I bled... just a little! It wasn't bad. He wasn't being mean or anything. Marcus just likes sex kind of quick and hard." This is brutal. I HATE talking about this.

  "’Quick and hard’? CHRIST! When did THIS happen to you?" I can feel his fingers sliding over the large scar.

  "A few years ago. Marcus was really excited, that's all. He just really wanted to do it and I wasn't ready. Ah, I told him, but he was too excited, so he just kind of pushed into me quickly, and I knew he was a little too hard. I was fine though. He didn't take too long, so I just waited for him to finish." This is MORTIFYING!

  Z is visibly shaking when he asks "Did he take care of you? Did he take you to the hospital? What the fuck did he do?"

  "No! God, no! I waited until he fell asleep, and then I went myself. I didn't want him with me. That would have been so embarrassing. I just went, and was stitched up, and sent home with some pain medication. It was fine. Really. Can we please stop talking about this? Please?"

  "Did he know? Did He Know What He DID To You?"

  "Yes, I mean, there was a lot of blood, but he doesn't really like dealing with that kind of stuff, so I just took care of it. Its fine, Z. Please stop."

  I try grabbing for my clothes because I feel so horrendous suddenly. I think I’m going to die here. Right now. This is awful, but Z holds my hands against my pants and doesn't let me dress.

  "When was the last time he made you bleed?" Shit… this week.

  "A few days ago," I confess.

  "Really? Does it still hurt when you have sex with him?" God, he sounds so mad.

  "Yes. But it’s my fault. I wasn't really ready. I'm never really... ah... ready down there. So when he decides to do it to me, I just try to grab some lubricant quickly. I don't really feel anything, I just kind of wait for him to finish."

  "When he decides? And when do YOU decide?" Ah, never?

  "I'm his wife, Z. It's fine. I'm supposed to have sex with him. It's not like he's a stranger or anything. It's fine. I don't even really feel anything anymore. I bleed sometimes but I barely feel it! Could you just stop now? Please? This isn't what I wanted, and I'm kind of tired now, so could you just stop this? Please?"

  "No. I want to understand what's happened to you."

  "Nothing happened to me! Please! Just stop it!”

  "Much has happened to you. Your body has been ravaged by your husband, and you are NOT fine. This is fucking brutal, and I'm so fucking angry right now, I could kill him."

  "Please, let's just have sex, okay. If you still want to. I mean, I know I'm kind of gross down there, but it still works. You could do it. It's okay. Do you want to? Please..." Oh. My. God. I'm begging him to have sex with me. What a LOSER!

  "Sweetheart..."

  "This is so embarrassing. Just do it. Do whatever. Please! I can't take it anymore! I want you to just do it to me! God Z, please!" I know I sound hysterical, but I can't help it.

  "Are you ready, love? Is your body ready for sex?"

  "Yes. I'm fine. Just do it to me."

  "You're fine? You want me to just do it to you? Now?"

  "Yes. Now! Please. Stop being like this. I hate it. I want to be good for you, okay? Just have sex with me now. Please!" Pause.

  "No. It is NOT okay. And I am NOT going to DO anything to you.”

  I finally beg someone for sex, and he says no. SHIT! I SNAP!

  Throwing myself from the bed, I land on my knees, forgetting about my back until the agony rips through me. OH MY GOD! A quick gasp and a scream while reaching for my own spine, I am absolutely STUNNED by the pain. As I scream, Z joins me on the floor, while I struggle to breathe.

  Wrapping his arms around me gently, he yells, "What is it?!"

  "My BACK...my body... I'm in AGONY!!"

  "Okay, Sweetheart. Push your weight forward into my arms, and I'll help you stand." Oh GOD! "That's it. Slow and easy. There. Let me just get you back into the bed."

  Placing me gently on the bed, Z rolls over my body, and tucks me into his side. God, he is so warm. I love his warmth. Z starts pulling the blanket up and over my naked body, and it's then that I realize I'm shivering. Ow. Shivering really hurts my back.

  "It's just shock, Sweetheart. The shivering will pass soon enough. I'm going to get you a drink of water. Don't move. Do you want anything for the pain?"

  “No. I just want to sleep Z.”

  When he returns, tilting the glass to my lips, I realize how thirsty I am. I can't stop taking great pulls and gulps of water, but Z takes the glass from me too quickly. Dammit.

  "I'm so tired, Z. I’m very, very tired. Can I just go to sleep now? Please?"

  "Yes. Go to sleep, love. I'll be here with you tonight. Rest easy."

  Tonight. Not always or forever, but tonight. At least there are no false promises or lying claims for more than just this. Turning slowly to my other side, I see the clock reads 4:12am. Wow. Well, at least Z will be here this morning too.

  "Good night, Z. I'm glad you're here tonight." Did he hear my inflection?

  "Yes, I’m glad I was here tonight as well. Sleep, Sweetheart." I guess he heard it.

  Snuggling closer to me, Z wraps his arm around my hip, and tucks the blanket tighter under my chin. I am so warm. I feel calm, and safe. The pain is receding from an agony to just a continuous ache even as I settle in for sleep. I am so tired suddenly.

  Good night, Z

  Monday, May 30th

  CHAPTER 14

  When I wake from my dreamless sleep, I feel almost ‘happy’. Z is lying beside me, and he is so warm and snuggly, I don't want to move. God, I can't help but stare at his face. He is so handsome, even with his eyes closed. He has awesome cheekbones and full lips. He’s like a male-model or something. What the hell is he doing here?

  Its 8:22am, so rising slowly, I grab my clothes and head for the bathroom. Once there; I pee, brush my nasty teeth, and start the shower. Showering seems like a good idea. Hopefully this one will be quick.

  Washing my body with my vanilla-jasmine body wash, fills me with even more happiness. I love this scent. There is nothing dirty about it. There is nothing to make me gag.

  Looking out the very transparent shower curtain, I notice Z leaning against the sink. Argh! Scrambling to cover up my body, I almost scream, "What are you doing here?"

  "Just watching. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

  "I'm f-fine. Do you have to look at me though?"

  "Yes. I love to look at your body. Does it really bother you that much?" He asks with a grin.

  "Well, yes. I don't really like naked, Z."

  "May I join you, if I promise to keep my eyes closed? Pretty please...?" Oh, how adorable.

  "Um, okay. If you promise to keep your eyes closed." Am I smiling?

  Watching Z remove his pants is... sexy. That's it; it’s totally SEXY. Turning from me, he begins brushing his teeth in the sink. Holy shit! Look at his butt. It's perfect. It's just so, so, yummy or something. I don't know. But wow! I can't stop staring at it.

  "Do you like my ass, Sweetheart? You're smiling..." What? Shit! He's watching me through the mirror watching him through the curtain. Dammit.

  "Um, yes. You have a nice body." There. Semi-detached.

  "Thank you, so do you." Uh huh.

  Z turns and walks toward the shower, well actually, more like he slowly stalks toward the shower. Opening the curtain, he brushes against my back with his chest. This is sexy, I think. Is he actually going to keep his eyes closed?

  "Your back looks terrible, Sweetheart. I hate to see that bruise." I guess not.

  "You're supposed to have your eyes closed."

  Z leans forward, against my back again and whispers, "I know, but I don't want to. Is that okay with you?" NO! Yes? Shit.

  "I guess so..." Idiot.

  "Step forward a little, and
I'll wash your back for you. I'm very disappointed that you already cleansed your front... but your backside is quite nice as well." My back side? Or my backside? Which one?!

  Moving forward a step, Z reaches around my waist and grabs my body wash. Sudsing up my bath scrunchie, Z begins to wash me very gently. I still feel my back burning, but I know he’s being extra careful.

  "Exhale, love. I'm just going to move down your back a little." To my backside?

  "Ummm..." but then he's washing me, and it feels so good. It's like his massage, almost.

  Suddenly dropping to his knees, Z continues down my thighs, all the way to my feet. Oh, this is good. Shit, did I just moan out loud?

  "Moaning? I like that sound from you." Yup. I did.

  "Ah... would you like me to wash you now?"

  "With this delightful vanilla-jasmine scent? I don't know... it's not very manly."

  "I'm sure your delicate male ego can handle it," I grin over my shoulder.

  "Okay. But go easy on me..." Yeah right.

  I want to touch him so badly right now. Wow. Did I just think that? Taking the scrunchie and body wash from him; I work up a good lather. Okay, in theory, this was easy, but now I have to turn toward him. I have to look at his naked body. I have to touch his naked body. Why did I offer to do this? What the HELL was I thinking?

  "Turn around, Sweetheart. I'm just standing here. I won't touch you at all." Not at all?

  "I'm fine."

  Holy shit... It's big. Oh god. What did I do? WHAT DO I DO? I don't know what to do. Touch him. Cleanse him. How? I can't breathe.

  Moving slowly, Z lifts my chin and whispers, "Breathe, Sweetheart. It's just my body, and I'm not going to touch you. You however can touch me however you want. Okay?"

  "Sorry... You're just big, like everywhere, and kind of scary like this. And you have so much body, and I'm not sure where to touch and... How tall are you anyway?" Christ! I'm babbling again.