I am HER... Page 13

  Wow. I feel this kiss. Finally my hands move. Releasing the comforter, my arms circle his neck, pulling him toward me as I kiss him. I WANT to kiss him. I kiss him hard; my kiss, NOT his.

  Pulling away, Z shakes his head but smiles. "Not this time, love; this time I kiss you. I'm giving to you. But when you’re ready I'll let you take what you want and need from me."

  I am so stunned and embarrassed, and I feel so rejected, I try to pull away but his hands grab my wrists and pull them behind my back. He watches my face like he knows I'm about to retreat. Holding me in place, Z pushes himself fully between my legs and rubs himself against me. Creating friction with our clothing, I feel physically uncomfortable. My body isn't ready, and I'm dry and uneasy.

  Z seems to feel my retreat. I'm here, but I'm far, far away from him. Moving slightly, I suddenly feel a sash around my wrists. Flinching, I try to pull my hands away while Z grins. I’m going to hit a full panic any second now.

  "Please don't! I don't like this, Z. Please, I'm scared..." I whisper.

  "Do you believe I’ll hurt you? Honestly? Look at your fear. Are you frightened because I could hurt you, or because you think I will hurt you? Tell me, love. Are you only frightened because your physical control is gone?" Z asks and waits.

  I can’t face him. The shaking has increased and I'm so close to panic. I hate all this drama, and I think he knows it.

  "Stop, Sweetheart. Breathe. Look at me. I will not hurt you. I could not hurt you. I want to give you pleasure only. Look at me!"

  Turning my face toward him, I try to calm myself. God, he’s so lovely. He has beautiful brown eyes, and a gentle smile, and he is not out of control. He is even and calm, and I see no malice or anger on his face.

  I'm starting to feel embarrassed again. Dammit. I’m behaving like a frightened child. Embarrassed, I smile slightly and whisper, "I'm sorry." Z smiles back and nods. I think he knows I'm trying.

  Sitting back on his heels, Z looks at my face while sliding his hands back up my thighs. His eyes on my eyes reassure me. Slipping his fingers under the lace, he touches me there and I know I'm dry. This is so embarrassing.

  "Well, what should we do about this?" He questions with a grin. Slowly his hands move behind my butt as he eases the lace down. "Lift, love." And as I lift, Z pulls my panties from my body. And then, he’s looking at me, down there. Shit. What does he see?

  Turning away, I focus on the window covering. It’s such an ugly curtain. It’s so dark and old, but at least it keeps the room in near darkness. I'm slowly slinking away. I'm almost gone. I feel nothing... And suddenly my world ERUPTS! Z is pinching my nipples hard, staring directly at my eyes.

  "Stay With ME. Stay right here. Don't look away. Look at me. Watch me."

  Once again, I can barely breathe. Trying to fight the near-panic, I breathe deep and stare back at his eyes as he watches me. Eventually he nods his head again... He seems to know when I'm back with him.

  "You smell like vanilla, Sweetheart. I bet you taste like vanilla too. Shall I give you a little taste...?"

  Knowing I’m blushing, I shake my head no and I’m punished with another little pinch, this time on my body down there. Shit! I jump on the bed as my legs start shaking.

  Smiling, Z leans forward, still looking up at my eyes, while extending his tongue as he licks me slowly down there. I’m shocked, embarrassed, and strangely, slightly aroused. Rising quickly, Z gives me a kiss, as if in reassurance.

  Stunned, I watch as Z dips back down between my thighs. Once there, Z pulls my body further off the edge of the bed and begins doing all kinds of things to my body at once.

  I’m lost. I can actually feel something inside. There is a flutter. There is something... I FEEL this while Z continues to lick and suck at me. I can even hear it, and I feel embarrassed by the noise. Looking up, Z's eyes touch mine, and though I want to retreat, I hold his gaze. Nodding once more, Z continues.

  Lifting my legs, my thighs are placed on his shoulders. Oh no! I want this to stop. I feel so alone. I can’t place this feeling. I feel like I’m outside myself, though feeling everything he’s doing to me at the same time. Z notices my emotional retreat.

  "Look. At. Me." He demands loudly, as I jump at the force of his words. "Watch ME," he says, as slowly he impales me with a finger.

  Again, I jump on the mattress, but he’s staring at me, so intensely, I can’t look away.

  "Watch my fingers. Watch me please you. Watch me, Sweetheart." And sliding his finger in and out of me, his thumb starts a heavy rotation on my clitoris. THIS I feel. Oh, god...

  With his eyes on my face, and his fingers working me, and the sounds in the quiet room, and the scent of my arousal, the embarrassment is so strong; I'm shaking with the desire to escape. But I can feel. There is an internal tugging beginning. Two fingers are now working inside me, and as they turn and reach within me, I am jolted with sensation. Oh god...

  Z’s watching me so closely and my reactions are obvious. My legs are shaking. My stomach is starting to contract. My hips are bucking slightly against his hand. I feel a low-level hum beginning.

  Suddenly, Z bends again and his mouth joins his fingers. His tongue is relentless. The humming is getting louder inside me, and my body is reacting to the hum. I want this suddenly. I want to be this girl. I WANT to feel this... Or do I?

  Shit! My brain starts spinning. My head is pounding. All my thoughts and vulnerabilities surface. My panic starts. The coldness settles inside me, and I can’t shut it off. No! Not now! Please.... But everything starts receding anyway. Dammit.

  Frantically looking at Z, he has raised his head, but his hand is still working me. I can't stand the look in his eyes. I'm so embarrassed. I want to just die here. I want to leave. I want to retreat. I want to thank him for trying but run away quickly.

  In a moment of complete insanity, I know I have to finish this. I’m desperate. I need to be away from this.

  Deciding my fate; I arch my hips, pant and moan loudly, and let out a back-breaking scream. And then the room is bathed in complete silence.

  Opening my eyes a minute later, I look at Z and his face is hard. Shit. Shit. SHIT!!

  Suddenly, he withdraws from me, and as I jump, he growls, "Is that your best, love? If you're going to fake it, please put forth a little more effort than that. My ego can only take so much..."

  With no words, I’m watching in horror, as Z rises from his knees and turns from me for the bathroom. He’s left me. I AM SUCH A LOSER!

  Once alone, I feel like I’m dying. Pulling and tugging at my wrists, I finally get my hands free of the sash. Shaking, I stand fast, grab my blouse and throw my panties into my purse. Quickly, I run for the door.

  Jerking my blouse buttons closed, I'm just reaching the door when suddenly STOP echoes through the room. Jumping, I turn to see Z leaning against the bathroom door.

  "I'm sorry. I'm just going to go. Thank you..." Z stalks across the room and grabs my arms hard, while just glaring down at me.

  The silence in the room is oppressive. I need to leave. I can’t stay here anymore. This is done.

  Watching my face, Z doesn't speak; he’s just standing here silentlyin my face. Staring at me, I can’t tell if I'm in trouble, or if he’s just too disgusted with me to speak.

  Through the weight of this oppressive silence, I finally just SNAP!

  "WHAT?! Why are you just STARING at me?? I told you it wouldn't work!! I TOLD YOU!! But you were so sure we could have something special..." I sneer. "I want to leave, okay? Just let me go, Z. Please!" I'm about to lose it. I know it, and he knows it. I don't do this. I don't lose it in public, at least I didn't before this week. Shit! One more, "please..." I beg.

  Total. Silence.

  "Are you through Sweetheart? Is there anything else you want to scream or would you like to talk to me about what happened, why you closed down?" He asks so seriously, I feel like a child being scolded. I hate this, and he knows it.

  "No. I'm fine. Thank you, but I really w
ould like to go now. I want to get out of here, okay?" But Z just stares at me.

  Finally, he says, "No, it is NOT okay. But I'm going to give you what you need, not necessarily what you want. Do you understand me? Do you understand the difference?"

  “No. I don’t know what you mean…”

  My breath is erratic. My chest is tight. My hands shake, and my head aches. I feel sick. I can't do this. I want to cry. I don't want to do this anymore, and I think he knows it.

  Suddenly, grasping my chin with a rough hand and pushing his body against mine into the door, he growls in my face, "Cry, Sweetheart. I want to see you cry. Let this out. Be. With. Me, and let me be here with you. Right now, CRY."

  Stunned, I try to pull away. I try to push his body away from my own. I try to rip my jaw free of his hold, but he won't let me. What the hell?

  Panic starts to build. I feel it coming. I feel the fear I knew earlier. I knew this would happen. I knew he would hurt me.

  "Let me go!" I scream in his face, as I push his body once again. Z pushes against me even harder, so I'm trapped against the door. Fuck!

  "No! Look at me. Look. At. Me..." he breathes in my face. "Do you think I'm going to hurt you now? Do you? Answer me!" He yells.

  But there is nothing but silence. I can’t even respond. There are no words. I have nothing. I knew this would be bad. I knew this wouldn't work. I knew I wouldn't work. I knew it...

  Moving his fist to my hair, Z quickly kisses me; a hard, painful, bruising kiss. Again, I am stunned. Pushing his knees into my thighs, I am held hard against the door.

  Moving his left hand, he pushes down my blouse, wrenching buttons open as he grabs my nipple. Screaming into his mouth, he pinches and plucks my nipple, rolling it in his fingers.

  My hands push against him. I try to fight him, and I punch him in the chest, hard. Grunting; Z stops kissing me long enough to smile wickedly at me. Oh my god...

  So quickly I'm shocked, Z spins us further into the room and onto the bed. Pinning me beneath him, he straddles my hips as I continue to fight with my hands. Catching my wrists easily, Z grabs the sash he used earlier from the bed with his teeth and begins to tie my left wrist. Pulling me up by my hair, he forces the sash behind my back and begins to tie my other hand. My arms are trapped at my sides as he pushes me back to the bed.

  Screaming loudly, I dig my heels into the mattress and try to buck him off me. Clamping his hand hard on my jaw once more, Z leans in and says calmly, "If you scream again, and it is NOT from pleasure, I will gag you." Once again, I am just shocked into silence. "You need this. I want to be the man who provides this to you. You need this, love. You need... ME."

  I can only pant and stare at his eyes. What have I done? What will he do? Oh god...

  A full panic-attack sets in. So hard and fast, I am desperate for air. I’m gasping and struggling. Nearly overcome with blindness, I’m suddenly lifted into his arms.

  "Breathe with me. Come on. Listen to my breath. Come on, Sweetheart, just listen to my voice and breathe with me, “ he murmurs as I fade away...

  Slowly, the room comes back. Slowly, I match his breathing. Slowly, I breathe for him. Even as time passes, I don’t move. I do nothing. I just want to lay here and die here... alone.

  "You really have to stop doing that, Sweetheart. I don't like to see you so pale and shaken. I’ll tell you again... I WILL NOT HURT YOU. Can you hear me? Do you understand me?" I nod slowly, but can’t speak.

  Z gently lays me back down on the bed. Adjusting my arms, so my hands remain tied and restrained by my sides, he lays down beside me. I'm still trapped, but with him beside me, not straddling me, I feel less fearful. I'm still horribly intimidated, but less frightened.

  With the panic-attack over, I feel exhausted, and raw. Every sense is acute and on the surface. I'm struggling with my equilibrium. I’m struggling with my control. I'm struggling to maintain my life. I'm struggling...

  "Cry, sweetheart..." Z whispers, tracing my features with gentle fingertips.

  I am so lost, I feel like I'm losing my mind. This wasn't supposed to be like this. We barely know each other, but we're friends, kind of. Z has kept in touch with me this week. He has kept me somewhat grounded. We built up to this moment. This should have been easy, after all the teasing, and all the honesty. Z should have had a good time without all this heaviness.

  "I don't want to cry..." I whisper.

  "I know, but as I told you before... I'm going to give you what you need, not always what you want. Cry, sweetheart. Wipe this all away..." he whispers in return.

  With my control gone, I just… snap.

  I've lost it. I've lost everything. I don't even feel me. I can't feel. I am lost.

  Sudden, great, wretched sobs rack my body as my stomach turns. Fighting nausea, fighting this crippling weight, I lurch to my side as Z tucks me into his chest. Rubbing my back, while murmuring soothing words into my ear, I sob.

  There is no consciousness. There is no pleasure. There is only unbearable pain.

  Sobbing… minutes pass, hours, days and months. My sobbing slows and I finally breathe. There is nothing left. There is just nothing...

  ==========

  Becoming aware, I feel only confusion. Jumping, I try to sit up, but Z still holds me tightly in his arms, while he gently wipes my face with a tissue.

  With a grin, he whispers, "Welcome back. How do you feel, love?"

  But I can't seem to find my voice. Maybe it's gone. Maybe I HAVE lost my mind. Maybe, I’M gone.

  "No, love. No more thinking today- just feeling. That's all you have to do. That's all I want for you. Feel Sweetheart, nothing more. Can you do that?" But before I can answer, Z takes my lips once again, but this kiss is different. This kiss crosses between urgency and sweetness. This kiss consumes me.

  My arms start to pull at the restraint. I want to feel him. I want to hold him closer. I need to touch him.

  "Please..." I beg while pulling at my arms trapped by my side, but he shakes his head 'no' with another grin.

  Leaning in to kiss me once more, Z fully unbuttons my blouse and pushes it wide again. Kissing my lips, his hands tuck back under my tight cami and lift my breasts up and out. Moving slowly, his hands trail down my stomach, further, further, until he reaches the hem of my skirt. Lifting it slowly, I can feel my nakedness.

  Pulling away, Z watches my eyes as he works his mouth down to my breasts. Latching onto a nipple, I jump, and my body arches closer to him.

  Z continues to watch me, as his hand slides through the folds of my vagina. Gently, he touches me. Gently, he suckles me. And I hear, to my shock, a moan escape my lips. Z's eyes crinkle as he watches me.

  Again, I moan. WOW! I FEEL this. I can feel his touch. I WANT to feel his touch. What do I do now?

  "Don't think," he states. And closing my eyes, I try to feel... "Do you trust me, Sweetheart?" I hear him, but I can’t answer. Oh god, I don't want to ruin this feeling with honesty. I can't answer him. “Okay. Do you trust me not to hurt you?"

  "Physically?" I ask, as he laughs.

  "Always the pessimist… yes, physically. Do you trust me with your body? Do you trust me with your pleasure?"

  I can only answer, "I, I think so."

  Z chuckles at my reply, but it's like a switch has been thrown. Z slides down the bed between my thighs once again. Oh, god... I want to panic. I want to kick him away. I want to stop, but I tighten my stomach muscles, and say nothing.

  Shaking his head, Z murmurs, "Nice try, love. Lie still and try to relax. I know what I'm doing, even if you don't." What?! What an Asshole, and as if he read my mind, Z laughs and bites my upper thigh lightly in punishment. And then, I'm done.

  Stroking my vagina with his tongue, I am engulfed in the pleasure. This is amazing. His tongue is incredible. His fingers enter me slowly and I actually begin to writhe on the bed trying to get closer. I can’t believe what’s happening to me. A moan escapes my mouth. Panting, I'm overcome with the pleasure fluttering inside
me. I want him deeper. I want more. I want...

  As time fades, the tension inside me is building and my muscles are straining. As Z moves my legs up and out, I know I should be so embarrassed, but I can't feel embarrassment right now, I just feel him, all of him. I feel his tongue and his fingers. I feel his breath on me. When he blows on my clitoris my body jumps at the sensation. He impales me quickly with two fingers and my back arches. He licks me all over, and a moan bursts from me. Oh. My. GOD!

  Suddenly, I feel it. I know this feeling. I've had it with the shower-head before. But not like this; this is different. I've had this feeling... kind of. I know this tightening inside. I know this heart pounding. I know this need clawing in me as Z increases the pressure with his tongue.

  "Ahhhh... Z? Ummm... What do I do?"

  There is urgency now. My body feels suspended and chaotic. "Z?" Ignoring me, he just seems to work me harder. My body is tighter, and everything hurts with the building tension inside.

  "Z...? Please, help me. Ummm, help..." I moan and close my eyes again. I feel it all. This is brutal. This is awful. This is pain and tension. This twisting of my insides is agony...

  Suddenly, Z whispers, "Let go, love..." and I do.

  Climaxing; everything explodes forth from me with a scream. My body arches and my legs coil up on themselves. My heart is racing. My hands are strained and grasping the bed. My neck is corded and tight. My mind goes from madness to calm.

  There is nothing here. There is nothing left. I am nothing. Floating away... I am gone.

  ==========

  Waking in Z's arms, I realize I’m not alone and I feel an unexpected happiness. Z is kissing my brow, and my hands are against his chest. When were the restraints removed? How long have I been unaware?